I've been sitting in front of my blog screen for 20 minutes. I know I'll feel better if I blog about something on my mind, but I am down to the nitty-gritty of my bones and I have nothing to talk about. Last night I went to the Hunter Hayes/Carrie Underwood concert at the Huntington Center. Hunter Hayes sang his big hit, 'wanted' and it immediately hit me; I'm not over Jason. Though I was out with my family having a good time and drinking a lager, I was still consumed by my grief and Jason wasn't even physically there. I literally started gushing out tears when Hunter Hayes sang that song. I remember the first time I heard that song. I was driving to pick up Jason from work and Everly was maybe a month or two old. He got in the car and the first thing I said to him was, 'I just heard my love song to you.' Ever since, every time I hear that song it reminds me of how much I truly love my man. Last night however killed me. Because I got that same reminder. Also a reminder that he's NOT my man and that I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. That hurts. So the rest of the concert I was in a complete daze. Thanks Carrie and Hunter, I needed to be reminded of my achy breaky heart. Thanks Billy Ray Cyrus.
When I got home from the concert, Jason was sitting on my couch watching a movie. He was there waiting for me to get home while Everly was in bed for the night. I got there, showed him some pictures on my phone and we were nice to each other. It felt so good that I couldn't stop smiling at him. Even though it was a 5 minute conversation about how my night was and how Everly was for him, it was enough to make me the happiest I've felt in weeks. Of course that feeling got overzealous and I got ballsy and begged him to stay with me. And then I proceeded to tell him I missed him and that my heart starting fluttering the moment I walked through the door. Also that he looked so good in his backwards Packers hat. Oh, and that I'm lonely without him.
GOD DAMN HEATHER.
He told me he felt very uncomfortable around me right now and basically ran out the door. Why am I so pathetic sometimes? I should've played it cool. I should've batted my eyes at him and slammed the door on his way out. Maybe show him what he's 'missing' and that I can handle things without him.
But who am I kidding me? This is going to be a tough road ahead of me...
