Cooking. Shooting. TaylorSwifting.
"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." -Taylor Swift.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
TaylorSwifting
I have been cooking lately. And I have been shooting a 22 lately. And I have been listening to that god awful Taylor Swift. That is how I've been keeping myself from remembering how numb I am. I know, it's been months since everything fell apart, and yes I am over Jason, but I am not my old self anymore because I'm still trying to figure out how to even do that. Better yet, who the heck I even was at this point. Was I really in love and happy like I thought? Am I too scared to admit that I settled? I always catch myself thinking that the only reason why I got my heart broken was because he did all the leg work to end our relationship. Maybe had I spoke up and said I needed to take things slower, or said that I wasn't ready to take the next step, or even that he wasn't the right guy for me then I would be fulfilled again. Right now all I am is too busy from cooking, shooting and TaylorSwifting to let myself be fulfilled. I guess I am keeping my schedule busy to prevent myself from replaying history in my head and feeling what I need to feel from the circumstances. Yes, Eric is a phenomenal man. Truly exceptional guy who loves me, loves my daughter, and would do absolutely everything for us. The only problem is that I am so damn terrified of being publicly humiliated and heartbroken again that I hold back my heart somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I do love Eric. I am just scared of letting myself fall in love....and end up in the bottom of a river drowning in my own subconscious screaming, "what the hell were you thinking again Heather?!" I am going to continue taking things one day at a time with Eric and not compare him to the past, but until I am 100% certain of everything where it stands, I will keep guard of mine and Everly's hearts. I can't feel like I am disappointing my daughter with every failed relationship she has to endure with me. As much as I hate to admit this, when someone is dating me, they are also dating my daughter. We are a package deal. So if my relationship with Eric fails, and I end up a weak and somber mess again, I'll have two hearts to put back together. See where all my problems stand? This is why I've kept myself busy.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Complete Letdown of a post, my apologies.
I know I need to blog, but I have no idea what to blog about tonight. I'm sorry for my consistent readers who will be let down with this post, but I had to at least prove I am still alive.
I just feel uninspired at this point....
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Red Car Theory
So the other day I had an epiphany. The tragic endings of my past relationships have been symbolized by a red car. I know I sound insane, but level with me-
Chris Tersigni.
In high school I met my first love. He is considered my high school sweetheart. We were awkward and thought we were going to end up together even after we grew up. One of my favorite things about Chris was his taste in cars. He drove a 66 Pontiac Tempest. Boy, was she a beauty. She was white and had awesome boat seats that you could sit really close to one another on and sit manage to have a seat belt on. Majority of our best memories were cruising in that car, going to the drive-ins in that car...making out in that car. I'm sure you get my point.
One day, things changed.
Chris no longer wanted to drive the Tempest anymore. He said he wanted something newer with less problems. I understood where he was coming from but that didn't stop me from being so sad. I loved that car, c'mon she was a classic! But time came and went and he sold the car pretty quick. When it came time to buy another car he decided to stick with what he thought he knew best, another Pontiac. I was at work when Chris called to tell me he bought another car. He went alone to buy it and didn't have our mechanic friend with him to check the engine. Bad news bear I tell ya. He ended up bringing home a red Pontiac Thunderbird. It was old and had a huge gold eagle on the hood. It was ugly and I had no intention of taking my top off in its' back seat. About a week after he bought it, the engine blew. Chris was a busser at a restaurant. He didn't have the money to fix the car. However, I did. So I lent him the money and we bought a new engine. Another week and another engine swap later, the car died yet again. Money was getting tight, his heart was getting crushed, and my patience was thinning fast. He begged me to help him with another engine. I didn't want to buy one though because I was starting to realize my bad investment wit the first engine, and now he expected me to buy a second? Yupp, he sure was. And did I? Yupp, I sure did. By this point I was done. But I loved him and wanted to have his back. So we bought another engine. The only problem was, the timing belt would absolutely not do it's job. The push rods were slightly bent and the stress of our relationship was taking it's toll. After much arguing, I finally convinced Chris to sell the car as is, and find something more reliable. So he sold it for whatever he could get for it. Then what does Chris do? HE BUYS ANOTHER RED PONTIAC WITHOUT ANYONE THERE TO INSPECT IT. I never thought he could be so dumb. Guess what happens when you don't study history? It tends to repeat itself. Guess what? The mothafuckin engine blew in the new red Pontiac he bought. Needless to say, our relationship ended.
Jason Tedrow.
Yes, this is my ex-fiance that I've been writing about. He's the reason for my heartache and the reason for my sadness. He is also what triggered this epiphany I had. We'll just say he connected the dots for me. Jason and I were supposed to be together forever. Maybe we weren't meant to be necessarily, but at least it was the idea for the sake of our daughter. Jason didn't have a drivers license when we got together. He had no desire to obtain one. But considering I found out I was pregnant early into our relationship, I feared I'd go into labor and he wouldn't even be able to drive me to the hospital. So about a month later, he took his test and got it on his first try! I was so proud of him. We were dirt poor trying to save for a baby and a place of our own, so we just ended up sharing my Ford Escape. Once Everly was born, we began realizing that sharing a car was not practical for the shopping, work schedules, doctors appointments, etc. We lasted the summer then decided we HAD to buy another car. Jason being at his dead end job though, I was the only one able to afford the new car. So we went to the dealership and got him a used black Dodge Stratus. It had a lot of miles, but it was capable of getting him back and forth to work. So therefore neither of us could complain. Well considering my previous posts, you all know what happened a few months afterwards. Jason left me. He called off our wedding and left me to rot. It has been months since he left me, but the wound still feels fresh. About a month ago, the engine in the Stratus finally blew. It was bound to happen soon though, like mentioned already the car had a lot of miles. So for two weeks or so Jason had to bump rides from everyone and was incredibly depressed. I actually felt sorry for him. That is completely ludicrous though, but I really did. Two Mondays ago, Jason calls me. He finally was able to buy another car. He showed up later that night and guess what he bought; A RED DODGE CHARGER. When the father of your child leaves, even after months or years later, I'll admit there's a little part of you that wonders if he'll try to come back to fix things. But as soon as I saw his red car, I knew that was the symbol of a broken relationship that'll never mend. I stabbed me like a fucking knife to my weak chest.
So there it is, the Red Car Theory. The kiss of death for my relationships. Anytime I date someone, if he ever comes home with a red car, I'll immediately fear a broken heart.
So in other news, since we're on the topic of cars, I'd like to share what I found out today. So I got off work (my 9th day in a row without a day off) and drove to pick up Everly from Jason's girlfriend's house. I've never been there before and felt sick to my stomach to finally see where they are living. I pull up and what do I see? I brand new WHITE Charger with the same 30-day tags as Jason's RED Charger. When I asked who's car it was, I was told it was Caitlyn's car. Her and Jason got bought them on the same day together. They literally bought matching Chargers. Needless to say, I cried the entire drive home. I'm not in love with Jason anymore. I'm numb to that feeling. But I was nowhere near prepared to see them touching each other, him sliding her hair out of her face, or their matching cars parked next to one another.
In other words, the whole new car topic will forever sour me.
I really need to get a hobby and stop making up these ridiculous theories.
Tell me to shut up.
Chris Tersigni.
In high school I met my first love. He is considered my high school sweetheart. We were awkward and thought we were going to end up together even after we grew up. One of my favorite things about Chris was his taste in cars. He drove a 66 Pontiac Tempest. Boy, was she a beauty. She was white and had awesome boat seats that you could sit really close to one another on and sit manage to have a seat belt on. Majority of our best memories were cruising in that car, going to the drive-ins in that car...making out in that car. I'm sure you get my point.
One day, things changed.
Chris no longer wanted to drive the Tempest anymore. He said he wanted something newer with less problems. I understood where he was coming from but that didn't stop me from being so sad. I loved that car, c'mon she was a classic! But time came and went and he sold the car pretty quick. When it came time to buy another car he decided to stick with what he thought he knew best, another Pontiac. I was at work when Chris called to tell me he bought another car. He went alone to buy it and didn't have our mechanic friend with him to check the engine. Bad news bear I tell ya. He ended up bringing home a red Pontiac Thunderbird. It was old and had a huge gold eagle on the hood. It was ugly and I had no intention of taking my top off in its' back seat. About a week after he bought it, the engine blew. Chris was a busser at a restaurant. He didn't have the money to fix the car. However, I did. So I lent him the money and we bought a new engine. Another week and another engine swap later, the car died yet again. Money was getting tight, his heart was getting crushed, and my patience was thinning fast. He begged me to help him with another engine. I didn't want to buy one though because I was starting to realize my bad investment wit the first engine, and now he expected me to buy a second? Yupp, he sure was. And did I? Yupp, I sure did. By this point I was done. But I loved him and wanted to have his back. So we bought another engine. The only problem was, the timing belt would absolutely not do it's job. The push rods were slightly bent and the stress of our relationship was taking it's toll. After much arguing, I finally convinced Chris to sell the car as is, and find something more reliable. So he sold it for whatever he could get for it. Then what does Chris do? HE BUYS ANOTHER RED PONTIAC WITHOUT ANYONE THERE TO INSPECT IT. I never thought he could be so dumb. Guess what happens when you don't study history? It tends to repeat itself. Guess what? The mothafuckin engine blew in the new red Pontiac he bought. Needless to say, our relationship ended.
Jason Tedrow.
Yes, this is my ex-fiance that I've been writing about. He's the reason for my heartache and the reason for my sadness. He is also what triggered this epiphany I had. We'll just say he connected the dots for me. Jason and I were supposed to be together forever. Maybe we weren't meant to be necessarily, but at least it was the idea for the sake of our daughter. Jason didn't have a drivers license when we got together. He had no desire to obtain one. But considering I found out I was pregnant early into our relationship, I feared I'd go into labor and he wouldn't even be able to drive me to the hospital. So about a month later, he took his test and got it on his first try! I was so proud of him. We were dirt poor trying to save for a baby and a place of our own, so we just ended up sharing my Ford Escape. Once Everly was born, we began realizing that sharing a car was not practical for the shopping, work schedules, doctors appointments, etc. We lasted the summer then decided we HAD to buy another car. Jason being at his dead end job though, I was the only one able to afford the new car. So we went to the dealership and got him a used black Dodge Stratus. It had a lot of miles, but it was capable of getting him back and forth to work. So therefore neither of us could complain. Well considering my previous posts, you all know what happened a few months afterwards. Jason left me. He called off our wedding and left me to rot. It has been months since he left me, but the wound still feels fresh. About a month ago, the engine in the Stratus finally blew. It was bound to happen soon though, like mentioned already the car had a lot of miles. So for two weeks or so Jason had to bump rides from everyone and was incredibly depressed. I actually felt sorry for him. That is completely ludicrous though, but I really did. Two Mondays ago, Jason calls me. He finally was able to buy another car. He showed up later that night and guess what he bought; A RED DODGE CHARGER. When the father of your child leaves, even after months or years later, I'll admit there's a little part of you that wonders if he'll try to come back to fix things. But as soon as I saw his red car, I knew that was the symbol of a broken relationship that'll never mend. I stabbed me like a fucking knife to my weak chest.
So there it is, the Red Car Theory. The kiss of death for my relationships. Anytime I date someone, if he ever comes home with a red car, I'll immediately fear a broken heart.
So in other news, since we're on the topic of cars, I'd like to share what I found out today. So I got off work (my 9th day in a row without a day off) and drove to pick up Everly from Jason's girlfriend's house. I've never been there before and felt sick to my stomach to finally see where they are living. I pull up and what do I see? I brand new WHITE Charger with the same 30-day tags as Jason's RED Charger. When I asked who's car it was, I was told it was Caitlyn's car. Her and Jason got bought them on the same day together. They literally bought matching Chargers. Needless to say, I cried the entire drive home. I'm not in love with Jason anymore. I'm numb to that feeling. But I was nowhere near prepared to see them touching each other, him sliding her hair out of her face, or their matching cars parked next to one another.
In other words, the whole new car topic will forever sour me.
I really need to get a hobby and stop making up these ridiculous theories.
Tell me to shut up.
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Bling Ring Face
I met the girlfriend...
...she has two eyebrow piercings, a lip ring, and a cheek piercing.
and...she's a big girl. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it is indeed true. She is three times my size.
Definitely was a surprise.
She seems sort of nice though, so that's an interesting spin.
So furthermore...
Okay, that's all I've got.
...she has two eyebrow piercings, a lip ring, and a cheek piercing.
and...she's a big girl. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it is indeed true. She is three times my size.
Definitely was a surprise.
She seems sort of nice though, so that's an interesting spin.
So furthermore...
Okay, that's all I've got.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)