TaylorSwifting

I have been cooking lately.  And I have been shooting a 22 lately.  And I have been listening to that god awful Taylor Swift.  That is how I've been keeping myself from remembering how numb I am.  I know, it's been months since everything fell apart, and yes I am over Jason, but I am not my old self anymore because I'm still trying to figure out how to even do that.  Better yet, who the heck I even was at this point.  Was I really in love and happy like I thought?  Am I too scared to admit that I settled?  I always catch myself thinking that the only reason why I got my heart broken was because he did all the leg work to end our relationship.  Maybe had I spoke up and said I needed to take things slower, or said that I wasn't ready to take the next step, or even that he wasn't the right guy for me then I would be fulfilled again.  Right now all I am is too busy from cooking, shooting and TaylorSwifting to let myself be fulfilled.  I guess I am keeping my schedule busy to prevent myself from replaying history in my head and feeling what I need to feel from the circumstances.  Yes, Eric is a phenomenal man.  Truly exceptional guy who loves me, loves my daughter, and would do absolutely everything for us.  The only problem is that I am so damn terrified of being publicly humiliated and heartbroken again that I hold back my heart somewhat.  Don't get me wrong, I do love Eric.  I am just scared of letting myself fall in love....and end up in the bottom of a river drowning in my own subconscious screaming, "what the hell were you thinking again Heather?!"  I am going to continue taking things one day at a time with Eric and not compare him to the past, but until I am 100% certain of everything where it stands, I will keep guard of mine and Everly's hearts.  I can't feel like I am disappointing my daughter with every failed relationship she has to endure with me.  As much as I hate to admit this, when someone is dating me, they are also dating my daughter.  We are a package deal.  So if my relationship with Eric fails, and I end up a weak and somber mess again, I'll have two hearts to put back together.  See where all my problems stand?  This is why I've kept myself busy.

Cooking.  Shooting.  TaylorSwifting.

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."  -Taylor Swift.