A little sober rambling, sorry.

Today I am feeling somber, a calm broken somber feeling that I can't shake.  So therefore, I shall blog.  Jason and I haven't been ourselves.  We constantly nag and pick at each other and have lost sight in the most important and key fact; we love each other.  I don't know how to fix and mend us.  I've never felt so distant from him, but especially from myself.  The old Heather would slap me silly for being scared of what people think and for being afraid to be on my own without Jason.  The fuck?  We are planning a wedding, but we can barely go a day without arguing.  I love him and want to marry him and be a family, but what if it's all a mistake?  Then there's the shameful and embarrassing notion of calling my close family and great friends to tell them that the wedding is called off.  I feel like if Jason and I don't make it and we end up calling this off, if years from now I find someone else and we decide to get married that nobody will take me seriously.  Or they'll say things such as, 'hopefully we don't have to return the gifts this time around'.  I'd be too scared to date anyone ever again just to avoid the whole marriage topic all together. 

Suggestions?

Does anyone even read this crap anyway?

No.

In other news, the lawyer is still trying to sort through my legal issues.  Yeah, my accident in November is STILL not settled yet.  I feel like I'll never see the closure to this nightmare anytime soon.  Why haven't I become an alcoholic yet?  Thank the lord above for keeping me square.  If I stop typing right now and close my eyes, I can definitely be in that car again, upside down and screaming for my life.

I need a hobby.

Speaking of hobby...

I have a new friend.  I call him Alaska and he's a fellow film major.  We recently decided to co-write a script for the next few months, years if need be.  I'm  nervous and intimidated and terrified but it's a step in the direction I want to go so I am doing it, and not holding back.  Onward and forward!

Well, the online venting of my problems and current situation have made me feel much better, surprisingly.  I'm crossing fingers that I can stay sane and make it through the next 16 weeks of school without crying.  Not likely but it's a nice thought, right?