In the midst of all this nonsense, I must say one thing; I don't do well with stress. Yesterday I had an ice tea. That was breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, dessert and my late night snack. The crazy thing about that is that I don't even remotely feel hungry this morning. Lats night I slept on the couch. It was the first night I've gotten a sufficient amount of sleep. I think it's because I wasn't up late wondering if he would come join me in bed and do the whole, "I made a mistake and can't live without you and wanna make sweet hardcore love to you right now" thing. I think that's what they call wishful thinking, am I right?
He had the nerve last night of telling me that I HAVE to find a roommate because he's only going to help me pay rent for two more months. After arguing for over two hours and doing the whole 'you're a bitch and I fucking hate you' thing I finally convinced him to sign a contract agreeing to continue to pay my rent until the lease is up. Wham Bam, done.
Oh, and half of daycare since he no longer wants Everly Sunday night through Friday night. In order for me to work and finish school, I'll need to send her to daycare. Thanks Jason, the whole 'without you forever" thing equals me being broke all the time now. and miserable. and alone. and skinnier.
My mother is concerned for me. Which is great because that's what I need right now, but she made the stupidest suggestion last night; go on a date. What!? How in the hell am I gonna keep it together long enough to entertain, be entertained, and not picture my date crushing me and me wanting to cut his prick off in return? Not likely happening anytime soon. Not to mention no one is going to ask me on a date if I continue walking around slumped over in anger with an obvious frown and sadness on my face.
All in all I feel robbed. It's one of the only ways I can describe this. I feel robbed of the 'being engaged and planning the rest of my life" thing. I feel robbed of telling my close friends and family that I bought a wedding dress and showing them a picture of me in it with a huge smile on my face. I feel robbed of my dignity. I feel robbed of accomplishment. I feel robbed of myself.
Maybe I need to pursue a new hobby. I need to escape all this.
I was born thirsty.
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