Take your laundry and leave my dignity at the door.

This is unfortunately not a happy post.

Jason has called off our wedding.  He has apparently been unhappy for a really long time.  I however, feel blind-sided by the whole situation.  This is not at all what I would've expected. 

He took back the ring.  I was instructed to make the embarrassing, 'we have to cancel our ceremony at your venue' call, and now I am feeling oh so miserable. 

What do I tell people?? Do I sit back and wait for him to realize he made a mistake? Do I take him back if he asks me to? How do I cope with this mess...

I'm a mess.

My life feels like a mess.

And I am not prepared to deal the 'after' of this whole charade.

He also told me he was moving out.  So now I am going to be alone with my daughter in this huge apartment.  If only she were older and able to keep up with a valid conversation.  Maybe then I'd feel less crumby about living alone.  I wish my parents had a huge house and room for us.  Then I could save money and have more company than my 10 month old.  I also wish I wasn't in a lease.  Then I could just leave all these terrible memories with the place.  Preferably leave them in the guest bathroom toilet, as it never seems clean no matter how hard I scrub.  Ever.

Just like my current circumstances.  No matter how hard I work to clean up the mess, it's always there staring me directly in the eye.  Usually smiling.

I need a positive change in my life soon or I'm never going to make it.

What about my daughter? This isn't fair to her.  How am I supposed to explain to her when she's older why mommy and daddy aren't together like the parents of the kids at school? Or what do I say when she asked who is to blame? Or why we didn't try harder?  At this point, any followers out there should kindly give advice.  I am lost and without a doubt scared of the next chapter of my life.