Heather + Everly = no Jason. Please.

Yesterday we learned in my interpersonal communication class about why people chose to escalate relationships with certain people.  We also discussed the disadvantages of escalating relationships with the wrong people.  Throughout the entire two hours of class all I could do was think about my life and ask myself-

 Why did I chose to escalate a relationship with Jason?

I wish I could say that I regret being with him and that I wish I never pursued anything with him, but I can't.  Had I not met him I wouldn't have Everly.  If I knew then what I know now, I'd still make the same mistakes to have her.  I love her more than a mother could express.  She is worth all the mess in my life.  I just wish I could erase my time with Jason and just have my little nugget.  Or I wish I could still have Everly the exact way that she is, go back in time and have her with Eric.  Or have her the exact way that she is right now, have her with Eric, but have her after getting married and completed grad school.  If only, right?

I just can't win right now.  But hopefully after all this nonsense and heartache is over I'll finally feel what it's like to win.  Maybe it'll feel as good as it feels to wake up on a cool fall morning, slip on my fuzzy slippers and drink a hot chai.  Trust me, it is a wonderful and winning feeling.  But unfortunately it is only a temporary one.  I'd like to extend that for good.  One day...

At least right now I am doing everything I should be doing.  I am happy with Everly.  I am more than happy with Eric.  I am working on myself.  I am not ashamed.